Driving in England

England is a terrible place to drive, comparable only to Delhi’s free-for-all roads, a no holds barred battle of metal and rubber, bumper to bumper pollution with the odd elephant thrown in. Okay maybe it’s not that bad I mean the only elephants you see on the roads in England are behind the wheel, but it’s still a horrible experience nonetheless. I have nailed down the main culprits that make this so and will be exposing them, starting with old people.

I once saw an elderly woman in a small rust bucket car (that looked older than she did) pull straight onto a small roundabout without looking, resulting in her getting hit from the side she was meant to give way to. No contest, she was to fault and after being hit decided to try to reverse into me as I was in the car behind her and she blindly reversed leading me to have to beep my horn so she was aware of my vehicle. Another example of the incompetence of old people behind the wheel is the fact that they passed their driving test 50+years ago and expect the roads to be the same as they were then, which they are not. There are these stupid speed control things on the roads which mean you have to stop and give way to the oncoming traffic before going around these stupid road blocks on the wrong side of the road. The person who thought this up should be scalped and be made introduce himself to all of his neighbors whenever he moves house so they no what a fucking scum bag he is. Anyway as stupid as these things are you have to abide by them, which old people seem to have trouble doing simply following the car in front of them past the road block without looking before nearly hitting decent people in their automobiles head on, oblivious that they are the one in the wrong. Along with these offenses they are also repeat offenders of doing 30mph in a 60mph area and still braking going down to 20mph for corners. I really think that OAP’s should have to take their test again, maybe take one at 60 and every 5 years from then on to make sure that they are safe to be driving.

Another burden on the road are rich middle class women in 4x4’s who are more suited to be driving a Ford KA or even a Rover Metro. You see them on the roads from 8:45 a.m. to 9:15 a.m. when they are dropping their doomed children off at school and again at 3:00 p.m. to 3:45 p.m. when they are picking them back up. They drive anywhere between 2feet and 5feet from the edge of the road on tight country lanes and shit themselves when anything comes the other way as though they are expecting to be the only ones on the road. Even in these massive four-wheel-drives these women are so afraid of putting two wheels on the grass at the side of the road to let other vehicles pass, as though if they get mud on the car their husbands will stop buying them expensive things. The only reason these snobby women drive such big cars is status, showing that they are a wealthy woman or at they very lest are married to a wealthy man.

Motorway lane changers are also idiots swinging from lane to lane with no signal, very often in cars with foreign number plates. All I have to say about these bastards is stay as far away from them as possible otherwise they may end up dragging you into an accident that they’ve caused.

One of the most annoying things about driving is when your satnav decides to take you on a route that has massive road works which are common place in England (although you wouldn’t think it as the state of the roads is awful) or even better when there’s an event such as a parade or my personal ailment cycling races (but I’m not getting started on those road-hogging low-lives again).  I don’t see why roads should close for events, although if necessary they should only close on a Sunday not a Saturday when everyone is off work and runs errands. Thinking about it closing the road for a cycling race or a marathon is horseshit. That should never happen, these idiots should be made to run/ride around tracks or designated zones where no cars go, not through the middle of towns.

God, I’m getting angrier and angrier writing this. I may have to go and punch a cyclist.

I live in the countryside where the biggest criminals on the road are tractors doing 10mph (never pulling over even with a line of 10 cars queuing up behind them) and getting shit all over the road which they NEVER! Clean up. Anyone else who made a mess on the road like they do would be fined, but because they are dim farmers who have the intelligence of a down syndromed cat they get away with it.

I often hear people complaining about motorcycles on the road, but this does not bother me. Motorcycles come behind you and they’re gone before you know it even if there is 3 or 4 of them, much unlike their un-motorized brothers who are the cholesterol of the roads clogging it up before leading to more serious conditions like a stroke or heart attack. (Shit, I went off on one about bloody cyclists again, best wrap this up and move on to more idiots on 4 wheels.) I actually think that motorcycles are my favorite form of transport and I may have to get one myself, for the freedom and the fun of it.

Finally I’ll end with; taxi drivers, buses and their drivers and lorries and their drivers. This elite group of morons thinks that as they drive for a living they own the roads. I’ve had buses pull out in front of me on a round about when they should have given way, I’ve been cut up by taxi drivers in traffic for no good reason, I’ve nearly been tail ended at a red light by a lorry that had to swing into the opposing lane missing me by inches, nearly hitting pedestrians crossing the road and running the red light. What is wrong with these assholes that they think that they can get away with this shit? I mean the latter one is a biggy as he could have killed/injured several people at once while breaking the law. These drivers are the worst by far in fact I would gladly put up with the old people, soccer moms and tractors etc… to get rid of these pricks (and cyclists).

Now I know I said I’d end there but I think I should round this off, I mean after all, my big gripe is with the bullshit roads themselves. Narrow winding lanes, speed bumps, speed cameras, and speed control give way things. All of which cause congestion and are unnecessary.